Transcript of Interview with Kalemnitkan Vice Foreign Minister Augusto Pinto

 

 

 

Transcript of Interview with Kalemnitkan Vice Foreign Minister Augusto Pinto

Interview conducted by Patrikia Denmbe of the TBC (Tarzanian Broadcasting Commission) at the Foreign Ministry Press Room in the Kalemnitkan capital, Maputo.

Denmbe:             Good evening Vice Minister and thank you for your time.

Pinto:                  You’re welcome Patrikia, and might I say how lovely you look this evening.

Denmbe:             Thank you Vice Minister, though that doesn’t have any bearing on our interview tonight

Pinto:                  Pelo contrário Patrikia, it makes this interview much easier for me.

Denmbe:             Nonetheless, Vice Minister let us get to the topic that is on everyone’s lips at the     moment: Kalemnitka’s claim of withdrawing from Zeebia. We’ve seen the reports from your media, but many people wonder whether it is true or not.

Pinto:                  It has happened, and it has accurately been reported by our media. We have nothing to hide, and only want the distressed and burdened people of Zeebia to be able to enjoy the benefits of peace and stability that the citizens of greater Kalemnitka have.

Denmbe:             What do you mean by greater Kalemnitka?

Pinto:                  That’s not important. What is important is that Kalemnitka has taken the initiative, as the leading nation in the south of continent, of helping peace break out of the bonds of conflict.

Denmbe:              There are those who say that Kalemnitka hasn’t withdrawn from Zeebia.

Pinto:                   That is simply not true Patrikia. Lies such as this will always be cast about as a way of causing doubt in the minds of those easily swayed from an attitude of peace.

Denmbe:             What do you mean by “the minds of those easily swayed from an attitude of peace”?

Pinto:                   I think the questions should be more about what aid Kalemnitka is going to provide to the free peoples of Zeebia, and how we will help provide peace and stability.

Denmbe:             Alright, if you’re going to ignore my question, let’s go with yours. How will you help provide peace and stability in Zeebia?

Pinto:                   The Central Committee of the government of Kalemnitka is working very hard with our neighbours to provide safe zones for Zeebians to settle in and start to rebuild their lives.

Denmbe:             Do those neighbours include Jenkinesia and West Azenia?

Pinto:                   That’s not a reasonable question.

Denmbe:             Why not?

Pinto:                   We’re at peace with Jenkinesia but things are still fragile, and the Azenian’s still occupy the sacred soil of Kalemnitka, so the question is obviously an aggressive one that doesn’t warrant a response.

Denmbe:             Reporting in Jenkinesia has recently shown fighting still going on inside those borders, and journalists have been shot at trying to travel eastwards from the JDF positions.

Pinto:                   I have no idea which reporting you are referring to Patrikia, but it is fallacious and scurrilous. If there are armed bandits in Jenkinesia and that country can’t provide security for their people and visitors, maybe they should invite Kalemnitka back in to help them secure their towns and cities.

Denmbe:             Hmm. How many other neighbours does Kalemnitka have and which are the ones you refer to working with. Is August Bank Holiday Island part of this effort.

Pinto:                   Mulher estúpida, speak not to me of those clowns and pirates.

Denmbe:             Ahem, alright, who else is there?

Pinto:                   Ahmnesia of course. Everyone knows they have a presence in Zeebia to apparently secure their borders from SNAP terrorists.

Denmbe:             Indications from Ahmnesia are that they have not been consulted about any Kalemnitkan withdrawal from Zeebia or joint effort to secure the country.

Pinto:                   Their government’s left hand wouldn’t know what the right, or either of its feet, are doing, nor their eyes see what their ears hear.

Denmbe:             Their eyes see what their ears hear?

Pinto:                   Dá-me forças, Patrikia, you are missing the point. The peace loving people of Kalemnitka are not responsible for the governmental dysfunction of our northern neighbour, but we will work with them in the effort of bringing peace and stability to poor, ravaged, mismanaged Zeebia.

Denmbe:             But Vice Minister, Ahmnesia claims not to have had any communication from Kalemnitka about a cessation of fighting in Zeebia or dividing responsibility about regulating the country.

Pinto:                 So they say Patrikia, but can you really trust what an Ahmnesian says? Most of them cannot remember what they had for breakfast, let alone what conversations they had the day before.

Denmbe:            Really? Let’s go onto another question then. [Places photograph on table in front of Pinto] Who is that man and who is with him?

Pinto:                 I believe that the gentlemen in the centre of the photo is one of the Zeebian tribal leaders trying to secure peace and prosperity for his people against the bandits who ran the country into the ground before its citizens were saved by our intervention.

Denmbe:            Who are the soldiers with him?

Pinto:                 I do not know for sure, however they’re likely to be brave tribal warriors.

Denmbe:            Why are they in uniforms normally worn by the Kalemnitkan army?

Pinto:                 They are not.

Denmbe:            Yes they are.

Pinto:                 No they’re not.

Denmbe:            Clearly they are. They wear the same helmets, the same shirts and camouflage smocks, the same ammunition pouches, the same boots. Those are clearly your soldiers.

Pinto:                 No they are not.

Denmbe:             They have Kalemnitkan army badges on their shoulders. See there? [points out detail to Pinto]

Pinto:                  No they are not.

Denmbe:             Clearly they are Vice minister.

Pinto:                  They must have bought the shirts second hand from a disposal store. They are not our soldiers.

Denmbe:             Why would you claim that Vice Minister?

Pinto:                  Why would I not? Those are not our soldiers.

Denmbe:             They’re carrying the same rifles that soldiers in two of your three divisions use.

Pinto:                  No they are not. They’re obviously different.

Denmbe:             I’m afraid that they look the same not just to me Vice Minister, but also to military analysts in Tarzania, Umgawaland, Ahmnesia, France and the UK.

Pinto:                  Inacreditável. Those people certainly aren’t experts then.

Denmbe:             What about the armoured cars and tanks in this picture then Vice Minister [Places photo on the table in front of Pinto]

Pinto:                  That looks to be a photo taken from some months ago inside Zeebia.

Denmbe:             The photo was taken three days ago Vice Minister.

Pinto:                  No it wasn’t.

Denmbe:             How would you know that Vice Minister?

Pinto:                  Because Kalemnitka has withdrawn its armoured forces from Zeebia, as has been reported.

Denmbe:             Then why are Kalemnitkan soldiers and vehicles still fighting Zeebians in the capital? Why is there such still savage combat going on in Lusaka?

Pinto:                  There are not any vehicles there besides trucks bringing medicine and other aid to the poor Zeebian peasants, and there is no fighting in Lusaka. It is controlled by Kalemnitkan peace keepers.

Denmbe:             Then how were these Kalemnitkan soldiers injured? [Places photo on the table in front of Pinto]

Pinto:                  Where did you get that from?

Denmbe:             That’s not important, Vice Minister. This shows Kalemnitkan casualties being treated in a field hospital outside Lusaka three days ago. This seems to indicate what is far from a withdrawal of Kalemnitkan forces from Zeebia

Pinto:                  … [ Looks at Pinto with lips pursed ]

[ Functionary enters room and speaks discreetly into Pinto’s ear ]

Pinto:                  Patrikia, would you please ask your team to stop recording.

Denmbe:             Ah, alright. Turn it off there. [ Camera is turned off and dropped, microphone is lowered, sound recording remains running ]

Pinto:                  Thank you. I am afraid I have just been told that your press credentials have been questioned by the Media Integrity Board of Kalemnitka. You are required to hand over the video tape from the camera, and will need to leave our free and fair nation until the Board has concluded its inquiry.

Denmbe:             What inquiry?

Pinto:                  The inquiry the Board has commenced.

Denmbe:             When did it start that? Why did it start that?

Pinto:                  You have no professional permission to keep asking questions Patrikia, so I suggest you stop before you are arrested and interviewed yourself.

Denmbe:             This is not reasonable.

Pinto:                  Pelo contrário, it is legal and therefore very reasonable.

[ Functionary stands over cameraman with hand held out, tape is removed from camera and handed over ]

Denmbe:             I am from our government broadcaster Vice Minister, Tarzania will protest this.

Pinto:                  [ Laughing ] Tarzania are free to protest all it wants Patrikia! Now, I have real work to do rather than waste it trying to convince you to listen to the absolute truths we chose to share with the rest of the continent.

[ Pinto rises and leaves the room, Functionary then escorts TBC media team out to their car that departs government precinct ]

Denmbe:             Are you still on?

Sound Man:        Just finishing up now, independent audio tape still running.

[ Audio tape recorder shut off ]